The End of My Interlude

Over the past six months it's as if my life has just taken off at a speed I can barely keep up with. It's been invigorating to say the least. Everyday at least once I feel a sweet tightening in my chest as I think about richness that fills my life. I am so content. As impossible as it seems, I have literally not had one single bad day for months and months. I've had lots of stress, yes-- but running several times a week gave me enough mind orgasms to neutralize that out for sure. A long time ago I couldn't sleep because I was so miserable, but now I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about the beauty in my life. (I can't win! lol) I'm just so excited. Filled with passion. I've gotten to know so many fantastic people, continued to grow everyday, and all the while accomplishing things I never even imagined myself doing only a few years ago. The optomism in me that had been stifled for so long is back. :)

Presently, my life is about to drastically change once more. In less than one month I'm moving to Copenhagen, Denmark to study psychology and sexualities for six months. Despite my wariness of having a host family I'm giving it another try. I'm starting to feel the nerves of what might lie ahead. My previous exchange to Japan really shook me up. It's almost as if this next experience is a test to see what I've made of myself. I watched a commerical in Danish the other day and remembered the frustration and isolation of not being able to communicate and feeling completely alone. It just sounded like jibberish to me. I don't even know the word 'hello'. However, I think the fact that I understand this and what it will mean for me already puts me at an advantage. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm getting myself into. I know this time around that there are people to talk to and loneliness is not something to be afraid of. It's a natural experience and, if anything, makes me feel more alive and connected with my own humanity. I'm actually pretty excited to see how I handle these challenges.

If anything, I think the most difficult thing to overcome will probably be homesickness. When I was in Japan, I never really felt homesick. I can recall only once where I suddenly and desperately missed my sister, but most of my challenges were in relation to adjusting to the culture and losing the liberation of my adulthood. When I had left the U.S., my friends had already moved away, school was finished, and I was restless and ready to go. This time around, I've just made all of these great friendships with some pretty great people who truly care about me. I'm finally settling into my new life. I know it could be pretty hard at first to have to start all over again meeting people in a new country. However, I do know that the people who matter and are meant to stay in my life will still be in it when I return.

I'm not really sure what to expect out of the next 6-10 months. When I travel I usually don't bother with imagining what it'll be like because honestly, I don't want to disappoint myself and I like the suprise element makes the experience that much richer. I prepare for the facts I know and just take it from there. It's much more fun that way. Either way, everytime I get nervous I look for other people's experiences in Denmark and their stories reassure me. Everything will be okay.

So here I go again, on my own. ;9

Snippets of Time

Sun. October 8, 2006 Culture shock, Kagoshima, Japan

"You know how in America there are the rules that are set, but there are still people that are like 'oh, if they don't find out, it doesn't matter, just keep in on the down-low' and they just don't care? Well, it's not like that here and it's so fricken frustrating! At school you can't wear earrings, jewelry, headbands, perm or dye your hair, and you can't straighten it either, or wear make-up or even pluck your eyebrows. I'm ust like aah!! Fuck you!! I'm plucking my fucking eyebrows!!! AHHH!!! *plucks!!* And when Natsuki asked if I was wearing make-up 'cause she couldn't tell, I was like, 'yeah I am'. And she goes 'ooh, you can't do that! It's against the rules!' I'm just thinking so fucking what? You couldn't even tell and I feel better with it on so, so fucking what? Hm? What! I'm gonna wear some fucking make-up! Aaah!! I refuse to neglect my personal hygiene just because someone says I have to. Immature? Maybe. I was really upset about this yesterday and my host family kept asking if I was okay, but I just gave the good ol' "tired" excuse. I would talk to them about it, but we've already been through this before. All I get is 'Ooh! That's the rules!' and 'It's the Japanese manner'. And in my frustration all I can think is 'Well, I'm an American and I'm gonna pluck my fucking eyebrows and wear mascara! Aah!! ...Things aren't as horrible as they sound. It just gets difficult sometimes."

Fri. 2007/1/12 In the hospital - Kagoshima, Japan

"I feel really happy right now. It just... everything seems like it might be okay now I think and so many people are there for me and it's just like a nice calm after the storm I guess. Mom called and so did Tawnie. I got to talk to Stefani and Jami which really made me happy. I woke up to strawberries and the biggest orange in the world (lol) that Mr. Motomura left me while I was sleeping. He also came to visit me this evening and it was really nice talking with him while I ate dinner. I want to be able to travel like him someday. He's been to 30 countries! Sugoi!!"

Wed. September 8, 2008 Hanoi, Vietnam
"...everything is just so different and overwhelming. I was so terrified to cross the street the first time. Mopeds and cars are just coming at you in all directions and there aren't any stop lights. I wasn't sure if I was make it... I really had to work myself up for it. It was the biggest adrenaline rush ever, man."

Sat. November 8, 2008 Oahu
"I've been feeling a lot better here. I wonder if it's the sun, the atmosphere or the lack of responsibilites or... I don't know... It reminds me of that gentle sweetness that rolls over my tongue when I drink licorice tea."

Thurs. July 23, 2009 In flight to The Netherlands
"Soooo... here I am after slaving away for 2 years just to do something for myself for once. I'm sitting in the airport in Frankfort, Germany at around 10:30am and it's oooh... 1am in Oregon right now. I feel so calm...
"There's a huge sense of freedom encircling me right now. I'm unsure of what to think of it. I'm excited but I can't quite grasp the magnitude of it. I mean, I don't have to cater to a single fricken thing anyone says. I don't have to worry about making everyone happy or deal with people being domineering over my choices, thoughts, feelings--whatever!! God, this is so new and I'm so ready for this! In one month I managed to turn my whole life around. What could happen in this month? I imagine I'll grow everyday. I've made it this far. I've changed so much.
"You know, on the plane I was watching these wildlife conservation videos and I was just thinking how awesome it would be to just move to Southeast Asia or Africa or something with the love of my life, raise a family, and work rescuing animals from poachers or the black market. I just wanna save nature-- save the animals and make a difference. If I could find someone to share that with, how wonderful would that be! I could live the rest of my life like that.
"God... look at what I've done--what I've accomplished. I almost feel like crying. It's amazing and I'm so thankful. I'm one of the most fortunate people I know."