"You see I'm just trying 2 live."

Wow, things just get busier and busier. I got back from my first study tour to Jutland about a week ago and prompty became sick most likely because I was in a bus filled with a dozen other sick DIS students. It's just a cold, but it's almost been a week now and I'd much rather run around Copenhagen and do my homework than sleep constantly and have no desire to leave the house. Ugh. I've been really wanting to write a blog but I haven't even been able to concentrate because I've just been so exhausted and I usually just fall asleep.

Anyways, I think I hit my first unsurprising rough patch after everything going so well for so long. My grandpa died about five days or so after I arrived and although I wasn't close to him it was more difficult to deal with my mom. I'm not very close to her either and she loves me dearly, but we have a very... tumultuous relationship that's remained civil since I moved out. She really needed someone to talk to (like me) and because I'm here trying to start up my new life again and I really don't know how to talk to her or what to say because it usually leads to fighting, I just kind of... remained unresponsive to all of her attempts to contact me. And all the while it made me feel terribly guilty because I want to her to feel better but... I just didn't know what to say? I'm not going to get into how complicated this entire issue is because that would probably take me at least 50 blog entries, but I was basically getting stressed out.

Also, I've just started meeting all of these new people but I'm not really close to them yet so it started to make me feel a little homesick for my friends. This was especially true on the study tour. I don't if it's the age difference (everyone here is 20 and I usually spend time with people my age or older) or that people are tired of meeting each other, but I just couldn't seem to click with anyone and I was getting the impression that being myself isn't a welcomed thing. From what I've noticed most people are on a completely different page than I am. For me college has just been more classes that I need to get over with and I mostly focus on working, hobbies, and my friends. But now that I'm here I'm like SCHOOL! YES! I can finally focus on it because my classes are amazing! Everyone else is like ALCOHOLLLL!!! YESS!!! Either way, so far I've been too exhausted to do much real partying so I'm kind of missing out. For now.

Backing up a bit, I need to talk about the study tour to get to my point. That trip was jam-packed with stuff to do. We visited the happiest workplace in the world, Middelfart Sparekasse Bank to learn about the company policies, a univeristy for a psychology debate, the largest tropical zoo in northern Europe, on brewery tour that included three free beers (I wish I liked beer...), did sumo wrestling and bull riding (which I've been wanting to do for forever!), ate tons of delicious Danish food, and many other things. I was totally excited about going to Middelfart, mostly because I'm 90% immature when it comes to bodily functions. What? They're hilarious!

I would have to say that my part of the trip was on our final day (possibly because I finally got some sleep plus a good nap on the bus so I was actually mentally ready to take on the day). We went to an alternative university called KaosPilots which focuses on entrepreneurship. I feel like the entire experience at Kaospilots was half a bonding exercise and half a personal-mental-refreshment exercise. At the beginning, we all took a moment to go around the room and each personally say what our best experience in Denmark had been so far and I loved hearing what everyone had to say. We also did personal exercises, writing down seven things each for things we are passionate about, are talented at, and despise. I was finally starting to feel connected with my classmates.

Another part of our time at KaosPilots was spent in a quiet meditation contemplating what we want out of our time at DIS. We did an exercise where we imagined ourselves at the end of the semester, about to leave Denmark and considered what we might feel about our experience and where we would go from there. Personally, I have no idea what I expect to be like or accomplish after these four months. I could see myself standing there, but my future just fades into a blank. I mean, right now I’m living in a place I never imagined I’d be and this year I’ve accomplished things I had only slightly dreamed of accomplishing a couple years ago. Plus, as I’ve only just arrived here, I’m still getting into a routine, recovering from the constantly exhausted state I always put myself in, and getting to know the people around me. In the past week I’ve only just begun to feel like I might know what I want to do with my life. In the past week. All I know is that I’m really grateful to be here and I’m doing my best to make the most of this experience in ways I’m still figuring out.

Anyway, before the whole meditation thing, I was starting to feel pretty mixed up about what I want to do with myself and my experiences with travel, my personal life, academics at DIS and what I truly want from my time in Denmark. The overstimulation of constantly meeting new people, navigating through a new environment, my family issues, missing my friends and exhaustion without any time to take a break was starting to be a little much. I felt my self-assurance wavering. However, that time to sit and quietly contemplate was very calming. Overall I felt this urge to trust—to not worry so much--and just let myself sink into my new life here. Remembering that I am exactly where I want to be is very reassuring. I may not know where I'm going in life, but it in no way feels like the wrong direction.

In other news, I met some girls that are in a pole club back in the states and we decided to start taking pole dancing here. Today I did my first inversion (going upside-down)! Hurray! Jenyne Butterfly has also become my new hero. She is so buff and classy! Check it out!:

I know a lot of people may not agree with this type of exercise, but uh... you can suck it? 'Cause I like it. :) I was actually really nervous to tell my host mom about it because I've only told a couple people about my lessons in the states, but I wanted to be honest with her because she's just... awesome. Even though she doesn't care for it very much she was very supportive of me and said that if that's what I enjoy, I should absolutely do it. Happy day! :)

That's all for now~